Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
