Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
be right there i have to get my cape
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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