Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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