god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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