I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
