I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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