So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize