I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
