I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize