if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Randomize
