Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
