mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
