It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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