***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
