At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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