She went from zero to smokin in five shots
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
