I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
