Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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