Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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