Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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