If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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