Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize