this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
