I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
