And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
