wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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