I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
