well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
