who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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