Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
she told me i tasted like america
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
