I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Randomize
