This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize