i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
