thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
