We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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