Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
