cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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