I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
