if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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