Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
