The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
