you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Randomize
