i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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