weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Still dying that you shit outside
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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