My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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