theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
