Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
