dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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