i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
