I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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