In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
