Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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