I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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