Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
