Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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