I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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