roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
