If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
