I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
