Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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