I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
