I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
