i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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