My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
