Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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