OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
