rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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